Sun, Sick of America’s Shit, Holds Intervention
Listen U.S., I know you thought I brought you here with indisputable proof that I’m the sole cause of global warming and your 15 trillion pounds of carbon emissions is irrelevant. I didn’t. I’m sorry, we’ll tackle that later.
I’m here to talk to you about your recent behavior. Now, now, sit down, I need you to hear me out about this. I’m concerned about you. It’s gotten out of control.
Neo nazis? Really? In public, unashamed? What the fuck? I thought we were past this.
Dudes still think women are too neurotic (read: hysterical) to work on computers with and around other humans? Come on.
There’s a feature length film out about god damn emojis?!
So, “from sea to shining sea” I’m cutting you off America. Not forever, but I just can’t sit idly by in the sky, covering this craziness in light. For two and a half minutes I’m taking a break from you, for my own mental health.
And when darkness blankets the earth, people will shriek, lose their minds, tremble in great revelation at the still silent, consuming shadow that has fallen upon them mid-day. Millions of people will clog the highways, standing and staring up, mouths agape at my absence. Make sure you have cash and lose cigarettes to barter with the more chaos-oriented.
This is just a warning, but if you don’t get your shit together, I swear I’ll turn this whole evolutionary track around. I brought you into this world, and if you don’t shape up, I’ll combust and send you all back to the single celled prokaryotes you came from.
The last time I had to take these measures there was a World War going on. Christ.
Oh and global warming is your fault. Get your shit together.
