Mueller and Poirot Partner to Solve the Case of the Russian Collusion
Robert Mueller requests the aid of the stout, mustached Belgian detective (just in case he gets fired/jailed/murdered, etc.)
MUELLER: Hercule, I want to thank you for investigating this election collusion. I fear I’m in danger of losing my position, if not something more fatal.
The little Belgian detective gently combs his enormous mustaches.
POIROT: Monsieur Mueller, it is my pleasure. I haven’t come across any spectacular murders in some time. Ah! I miss the days of ingenuity when people were killed according to calculation. Trapped on an island, murdered in order according to a racist children’s rhyme. You don’t find those anymore.
MUELLER: Yes, well… I just want to be su… You do know this is not a murder investigation, right?
POIROT: But of course my American compatriot! C’est entendu. You place the matter in my hands. Although, sometimes one must notice what is unseen to discover the truth.
MUELLER: For sure … here are the files. I’ve compiled all the suspects for your review. I look forward to your take on them.
POIROT: No need, I have already used my impressive powers of observation to gather all the information I need.
Poirot whispers a secret to his mustaches.
POIROT: I have solved the case.
MUELLER: For God’s sake Poirot, I have to insist that you look at the evidence.
POIROT: You loud Americans have lost all ability to intuit! It is quite simple. I am astounded you do not see it yourself. I will go through each suspect until your stupidity has faded and the murderer is clear.
MUELLER: Conspirator.
POIROT: Whatever. First we have Michael Flynn. An American, so naturally boisterous and loud. Interestingly he has pleaded guilty to lying to your FBI. This is no doubt a diversion. I am completely confident that Michael Flynn is merely covering for the true perpetrator.
MUELLER: I was following the same train of thought, I think this goes much higher.
POIROT: Yes the real murderer, er.. conspirator… has some power over Flynn to make him confess to such lies. Though, as you know, Americans seemingly tend to lie as a form of hobby.
MUELLER: I don’t think that’s verifiable?
POIROT: Hold your comments monsieur my conclusions will be clear to you, no doubt, momentarily. Next we have Paul Manafort. Sounds like he could be of French descent. The French are generally a people of pomp. Yet they hold an elegance that does not allow them to stoop to such an undignified level. I do not believe he is guilty of anything.
Mueller closes his eyes and tries to rub out a burgeoning migraine from his forehead.
POIROT: Then there’s George Papadopolous. A Greek. Obviously a brute of a man. He has the mental depravity to commit collusion at the expense of democracy, but he is more a physical criminal than a mental one. If he is true to his nationality this swarthy man did not commit such a scheme. All the guilty admissions are blinds. But I know the true culprit.
Poirot’s mustaches quiver.
MUELLER: Please, just get to the bottom line.
POIROT: Absolutely. The murderer, he is on the train with us now.
MUELLER: … Poirot I’m going to have to notify the International Detective’s Agency about your delusions.
Poirot disregards the threat with a flick of his wrist.
POIROT: It was Ivanka! A clever ruse. No one would suspect a woman to have the wits to meticulously plan, coerce, and execute such a scheme! But sacre bleu, she did it!
MUELLER: You think it was her alone? Why?
Poirot’s eyebrows go up a trifle.
POIROT: It is not evident? I will break it down to an American level of understanding. Ivanka is man’s worst fear. She has become a woman who chooses to use her feminine charm for the wily purposes of coercion. It is absolutely true that she is running the show.
Poirot dips the ends of his mustaches in cologne.
POIROT: Yet she cannot escape the fact that she is a woman, that is why the collusion was done most unscientifically. But this worked in her favor. The conspiracy was so obvious that it caused mass confusion as to who the guilty party was.
MUELLER: I … I think that will be all, I’ll take it from here. Thank you for making the trip out here. Your Uber is three minutes away.
POIROT: Yes, the world’s greatest detective has done it again! I have delivered your murderess.
Poirot high fives his mustache and turns to walk out the door.
POIROT: But remember Monsieur, who the real guilty party is.
MUELLER: What’s that now?
POIROT: Every American. Every one of you who allowed such absurdity and corruptness reach the highest level of power in your country. That dude’s a racist. I find him rather sexist too.
Poirot leaves, his mustaches curled in disappointed judgment.
Madelyn Brown is one who wanders because she is lost. Follow her on Twitter @mad_lyn21
